Harry Potter and the *Something* of *Something*
by Trapezoid
Summary: Remember Trapezoid? This is his new, slightly violent, Harry Potter satire. Have fun! NOW.


**Harry Potter and the *Something* of *Something***

_(Prologue: After a series of convenient occurances, psychoic Lord Voldemort and his merry gang of Death Eaters wipe out Dumbledore's memory and take over Hogwarts.)_

**Chapter I -- How Dumbledore Regained Control of Hogwarts**

The sky exploded with thunder early one Saturday morning at Hogwarts. As rain poured down hard on the castle's turrets, students slowly woke up and rubbed their eyes.

Harry opened his eyes, lying in bed. He glanced around, drowsily. Ron had already woken up a few minutes earlier, it seemed, and was busying himself combing his hair in front of the large mirror near the door. Neville was sitting in his bed, yawning. Seamus and Dean were already dressed and were talking outside in the hall.

As Harry began to sit up, Ron stopped combing his hair, tilted his head, and sniffed.

"I smell pee! Neville?"

Neville shook his head and said, "Not me! Not today!" Ron looked around.

Harry looked down under his blankets. There was a very large puddle of urine between his legs.

Ron was checking Seamus and Dean's beds as Harry pulled his blankets up and pretended he was asleep.

"Maybe Hermione's cat came up here," suggested Neville.

Ron approached Harry's bed, and turned to Neville. "No, this doesn't smell like cat pee" He squinted as he bent over to smell Harry's bed. His squint turned into a scowl. He reached to tug down the blankets, but before he could Harry reflexed and kicked Ron in the chin. He stumbled backwards and tripped on a teddy bear (which must've rolled out of Neville's arms in the middle of the night). Harry opened his eyes and saw Ron's legs fly up in the air, and fall down.

Neville made a sort of smushy sounding "Ooooh!" as Harry sat up. Ron came into view. He was lying on his back with one eye open. After a few seconds, he stood up and flung his fist at Harry's face.

Harry jerked his head to the side to dodge the attack, but got nicked in the cheek. Before Ron could take another swing, Harry picked up his alarm clock and tossed it at Ron. Ron ducked, and the clock flew across the room. It began ringing in midair, then hit Neville in the forehead. He rolled over his bed and made a loud thump as he hit the ground.

Ron jumped on Harry's bed and grasped Harry's neck. Harry flailed his arms and hit Ron's sides. Seamus and Dean had run into the room to see what the commotion was all about and tried to pull Ron off of Harry, but to no avail.

Neville had begun to cry when Headmaster Voldemort came in and pointed his wand at Ron. "Ronicus Explodicus!" he shouted, and Ron exploded into a million orange pieces.

Harry choked and gasped as Dean and Seamus smelled the urine and backed away. Voldemort rushed over and began taking points from Gryffindor, as Professor Wormtail entered the room and ran over to beat Neville.

Harry stared at Voldemort for a few minutes until Colin Creevey appeared in the doorway with his camera snapping wildly. He shouted something behind him, and Ginny ran up the stairs. When she saw Voldemort yelling at Harry, she rushed into the room.

"_Another_ fifteen thousand points from Gryffindor for throwing your alarm clock, and—" Voldemort stopped yelling. His mouth made a funny shape and he looked over his shoulder at Ginny. He whipped around to face her, and Harry saw Ginny's wand precisely lodged in Voldemort's butt. He had to stifle a giggle, despite the pain and fear he was experiencing.

"Avada Kedavra" screamed Voldemort, but at the same moment Neville made another strange noise and caused Voldemort to face him. A beam of light shot out of his wand and hit Neville. He yelled and died.

At this point a curious Dumbledore, the school toilet cleaner, came into the room, pushing Colin over. "What's all the ruckus?" he croaked, but Voldemort pulled Ginny's wand from his butt and threw it at Dumbledore.

The wand bounced off Dumbledore's skull rather hard, and Dumbledore blinked. He almost fell over, but suddenly became very alert ("He must have his memory back!" whispered Dean). He picked up the wand (with a look of slight disgust on his face, because the wand had fragments of Voldemort's feces on it) and pointed it at Voldemort and shouted, "Dipcus Shiticus!"

Voldemort's robe began to unwind until it was a pile of thread on the carpet, and it's owner's naked body was exposed. Harry had to look away, but he heard Voldemort yelling, "Avada Kedavra" at Dumbledore. He then heard an odd series of honks, squeeks, and boings, and finally Dumbledore shouting a very long, complicated spell. Voldemort blithered, "Dwuah dwuah dwuah!" over and over, his voice becoming higher and higher pitched.

Harry opened his eyes and looked at the room. Voldemort was no where to be seen. Dumbledore, with a look of triumph on his face, had his foot was stomped on the spot where Voldemort was. Dean, Seamus, Ginny, and Colin were cowering in the corner.

Suddenly a crash was heard, and everyone looked to the other side of the room. They saw Wormtail's feet disappear out a broken window.

"Oh no! He's escaped!" yelled Seamus, but Dumbledore calmly strode over to the window and looked out. Harry got out of bed, still dripping with urine. He went over the window and peered out. Wormtail lay there, sprawled out on the ground, either dead or very, very hurt.

Everyone started laughing. Dumbledore flicked Ginny's wand and party lights blinked on, along with music and confetti floating around. Dumbledore started dancing. Everyone followed. Ron and Neville's ghosts floated into view and joined along.

After about an hour of dancing (nearly the whole school had crammed into the dorm by now) a small squeaking noise was heard. Dumbledore lifted up his foot and looked under his shoe. A small, squished Voldemort was stuck to Dumbledore's sole. Dumbledore stomped his foot back down to the floor, and everyone giggled. He threw his head back in laughter. It fell off.

**To Be Continued in Chapter II-- "How Voldemort Regained Control of Hogwarts Again!"**

Disclaimer: This is not anti-Harry Potter literature, if you can call it literature. It is pretty much satirical. Despite the cruel sense of humor in this story, I love Harry Potter, and all of his friends... What? Platonically, of course! Really!


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